Most of the problems with this essay are not related to the grammatical use of English. That is fine.
It's not uncommon for people to revert to babytalk and infantile ideas when they are aware that their vocabulary is limited.
Resist that tendency.
This essay was not worth reading, and only partly because the assigned topic makes it hard to come up with anything worthwhile to say. It makes it hard -- but not impossible. You should have done more work to express these banal ideas in a more appealing way -- varied sentence structure, maybe, and a spicier vocabulary.
Almost everybody has a mobile phone. But is it a great invention? I think there are both advantages and disadvantages.
> This is a poor intro. It has no life, no "snap." It doesn't draw the reader in. It is plodding, obvious, and dull.
> For a tiny piece like this one, the opening sentence should be what is called a "hook." A hook grabs the reader's attention and makes him want to read the following passage.
> Until you do the mental work to come up with an intro that is a "hook," don't bother to write one at all. A bad intro is worse than none.
> Delete these sentences
Today, mobile phones have become popular to everybody since they are convenient.
> It's not easy to come up with something interesting to say when the material is self-evident.
> But don't make it worse by using the most stodgy and boring sentence structure available.
Because of the great convenience of mobile phones, they are now a modern-day must-have -- the 21st century equivalent of a businessman's fountain pen.
The most advantage of having a mobile phone is you can communicate to your family, your friends, and your business no matter what where you are.
> If you must say the self-evident, at least try to make the expression fresh or lively.
Jetting to Europe or stalled in traffic, with your mobile phone you're always in touch with your family, your friends, and your business.
We also use special applications for listening music, playing games, surfing the net, and texting messages.
> The problem with writing down something that everyone already knows is that it makes it sound like you are writing a story for people who are six years old.
> It is crucial that you remove that problem by saying these infantile things in a spicy or interesting way.
Special apps for texting, listening to music, playing games, and surfing the web keep ourphones plugged into our heads around the clock.
> "Besides that" means "in addition to that"
> You use "besides that" when you are going to add more of the same
> But in this case, you are not adding more of the same
> You are turning the direction of your remarks around
> For that use, the correct conjunction is "but"
there are lots of disadvantages.
> This ends rather abruptly
> for a better transition, add something more
be careful. There are also some disadvantages to using our beloved cellies.
Using mobile phones can harm our brains, especially for those who are under the age of sixteen.
> Unless "we" are all under the age of 16, it is better to refer to it as "the brain," rather than "our brains."
> Since this is far from a known fact, it is better to place the data in the opinions of SOME people
Some researchers have claimed that mobile phones are harmful to the brain, especially for children.
Excessive use of mobile phones has been accused of causing dizziness, and "radiations emmitted from the phone are dead harmful for the eardrum" , say many scientists.
> "Many" scientists do not say this, and it is no doubt scientifically false
> ONE scientist said this
> He even used a slang expression in his quote: "dead harmful" is not standard English; it is a personal idiosyncrasy of speech.
> The remark is in quotation marks, which means that it is a direct quote directly from the mouth of a specific person
> "Many scientists" did not stand up all at once and chant this line, so you can't attribute a specific utterance to a group.
> If you don't know his name, you can write "according to a publicity-seeking quack quoted in a tabloid journal of bad repute" or something like that
> "emitted" is spelled wrong
Excessive use of mobile phones has been accused of causing dizziness, and "radiations emitted from the phone are dead harmful for the eardrum," according to one researcher in the field.
In addition, when we use mobile phones while we are driving, we will get in an accident.
> This is logically false, and the ridiculous and simplistic nature of statements like this contribute to making this piece infantile
> Using cell phones probably increases the risk of accidents
> It is now considered un-PC to call them "accidents" on the grounds that they are caused by avoidable driver misconduct
> traffic accidents are now called "car crashes"
In addition, using a mobile phone while driving hikes the risk of getting into a car crash.
In summary, mobiles are a great invention but they still have many issues. You have to protect yourself from the bad effects of mobiles if you choose to have one.
> Just delete this on the grounds that it is not adding a single thing that would repay the reader the trouble of seeing it.
> It is not interesting, amusing, entertaining, informative, new, or any of the millions of other reasons why we might read something.
> Do some mental work to think of "What would be good to say in conclusion? What can I say to wrap this up that would be good to read?"
> A teeny piece like this, with almost no ideas in it, does not need a "summary."
> You might give it a "conclusion" just so it doesn't end so abruptly
> But a conclusion is not just a dull repeat of the self-evident and dull stuff that we JUST HEARD 15 SECONDS AGO!!!
> Not unless you are writing for people who are 6.
> You can't say "they have issues." It's ridiculous.
> Think of some interesting way to CLOSE the passage, not "summarize" it.
Advantages and Disadvantages of Mobile Phones for Students Essay
2053 Words9 Pages
Mobile phones are known as cellular phone, wireless phone, or cellular telephone, which is a little portable radio telephone. It is a combination of two technologies, which are telephone, invented by Alexander Graham Bell in 1876 and radio, whereas invention of radio was done by Nikola Tesla. The mobile phones can be used to communicate over long distances without wires. The top-flight phones available now have the processing power and storage available in desktop computers just four to five years ago. The mobile phone is rapidly becoming the uber device which the one that seems to have it all and becomes even more essential. It also already started functioning as more than just communication devices. Mobile serves as watches and…show more content…
Mobile phones are known as cellular phone, wireless phone, or cellular telephone, which is a little portable radio telephone. It is a combination of two technologies, which are telephone, invented by Alexander Graham Bell in 1876 and radio, whereas invention of radio was done by Nikola Tesla. The mobile phones can be used to communicate over long distances without wires. The top-flight phones available now have the processing power and storage available in desktop computers just four to five years ago. The mobile phone is rapidly becoming the uber device which the one that seems to have it all and becomes even more essential. It also already started functioning as more than just communication devices. Mobile serves as watches and alarm clocks. Even with the limited free games that come with basic phones, they are already good for occupied our time. They can also function as calculators. The address book and contacts list in phone are our social interface. Without the phones, many of us would be quite lost in contact with other people. The calendar function in the mobile phones can help us track our lives. For some, the mobile phone can also becomes a notepad and make it a reminder service. Owners also have tended to costumise phones with their own ringtones, themes and wallpapers. There are so many types of phones. A flip phone flips open and is best for out going calls. A bar phone is shaped like chocolate bar, the keys and screen are on one face. A late phone